Monthly Archives: February 2011

Barbie is the Old Pink

A hard-hitting, investigative report on Barbies.

Solidarity Has No Borders

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Powerful words flew from the podium as the audience offered cheers and upraised fists at the steps of the Capitol building. Police suspiciously patrolled the area with big sunglasses and crossed arms while tea-baggers trolled the sidewalk near the streets and started a few screaming matches… Young and old, men and women, and persons of all races attended to show support for the Wisconsin teachers. Clever signs were in abundance and red clothing bled thickly across the rally. A “CO4WI” sign was passed around for signatures of support and many participants scaled the stairs to sign it at the closing of the event.

Wow. Looks Like Someone Actually Has Things Figured Out.

Dr. Pepper 10 is NOT FOR WOMEN. [Deep breath. Long sigh.]

Click here to watch the new Dr. Pepper 10 commercial>>

Is this one of those things where a company does something totally rude and offensive, leaves it out there until people complain about it, and then says, “Surprise, it was all a joke. We were just kidding, so now you’re being whiny bitches”?

Seriously, are we being punk’d?

Because, otherwise, this makes no sense. Dr. Pepper seems to be going out of their way to make themselves look like chauvinist pigs. In a world where women are already presumed by a majority to have inherent “sissy” qualities that predispose them to sentimentality and vanity, do we need more reinforcement that “women don’t enjoy action movies” or that “women are obsessed with being thin”?

It’s not that I don’t get it… but it seems like they’re going the long way around just to make it to the punchline. I still like Dr. Pepper and, for the record, LOVE action movies… but I think their delivery is a little off.

Maybe they should practice in front of a mirror or something. I’m not sure how to help them at this point.

Men are one way and women are completely different. This is the case at all times.

Dude, that is fucking hilarious.

Obama Sort-Of, Kind-Of, Vaguely Mentions That Planned Parenthood is Kind of Cool and Stuff

Here, in an interview with NBC12, Obama mumbles something about how issues are manufactured and how “Planned Parenthood, in the past, has done good work,” when asked about the Republican “call… to strip Planned Parenthood’s funding.” Obama then goes on to say that Americans don’t want to hear about that stuff, really; they only care about jobs and such. And whatnot.


First Lady Fails as Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model and Therefore Fails as First Lady

What makes you a worthwhile First Lady? The obvious answer is looking good in a swimsuit. Rush Limbaugh recently pointed out Michelle Obama’s failure to catch the eye of prominent sports figures. This clearly denotes enormous inadequacy in her capacity as First Lady. Here are his hard-hitting comments:

I’m trying to say that our First Lady does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, or of a woman [professional baseball player] Alex Rodriguez might date every six months or what have you. I mean, women are under constant pressure to look lithe, and Michelle My Belle is out there saying if you eat the roots and tree bark and the berries and all this cardboard stuff you will live longer, be healthier and you won’t be obese. Okay, fine, show us.

And even the dullest among us would conclude that Ms. Obama cannot carry out her mission to help decrease childhood obesity as long as she does not grace the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine. We shall wait and see if Ms. Obama decides to get her act together and pose for a chauvinistic sports rag or not… but one thing is for certain: the fate of the children hang in the balance.

Doctored image of Rush Limbaugh Courtesy of Hilarious Raisins blog

I’d Offer to Carry Something For You, But I Wouldn’t Want to Mess With Your Empowerment

As I perused the aisles of blockbuster for a decent action flick conducive to adrenaline-pumping romance with my boyfriend, my guts were suddenly clutched by the sight of this pink-framed, psychotic barbie staring at me from the shelves. With one mischievously-raised eyebrow, she held a fork near her mouth where a tiny, helpless groom was impaled on the tines. The title, accompanied by her maniacal grin, could only mean one thing: this movie would definitely piss me off. Instead of merely rolling my eyes, I plucked it from the display and read the back.

Clarissa has every detail of her wedding planned. She has the dress tailored, the invitations labeled, and the due date set. Now all she needs is a groom! A Hollywood “it” girl who knows all the players, Clarissa finds herself turning 32 and realizes that although she can get any hot celebrity on the phone, at home, she’s all alone. She decides it’s time to get hitched, and starts planning her own wedding with the confidence that she can hook a husband using the same cunning and guile she uses to navigate the Hollywood social scene. Sarah Chalke stars along with Judy Greer, Gregory Harrison, and Maria Conchita Alonso. Based on the best-selling novel by real-life Hollywood player Gigi Levangie Grazer, Maneater recounts the hilarious adventures of one woman’s search for true love in the land of fake boobs.

Gulp. Flushed with agitation at the blatant sexism depicted in the summary, I wisely chose to put it back where I got it… until Patrick (said-boyfriend) chimed in, “Why don’t we get that one, too?”

Fierce negation electrified my gaze as I curtly replied, “No fucking way.”

“Why not?” he pursued, intrigued.

“Because it would definitely piss me off.”

He immediately snatched it from the rack and countered, “Then we’ll watch this one first.”

Okay, I thought. Fine. Maybe it will be funny. Maybe it won’t be as bad as it seems. Worst case scenario, I’ll blog about it.

So, ladies and gents, it has come to this: the worst case scenario. But here’s the problem: there was so much to barf at, I’m not sure I can make a quality post about all of it. So here are just a few things that can be found in this Lifetime Original movie:

  • Ageism – The intense emphasis on the horrors of getting older (without a man) is borderline-ridiculous. The insinuation that women are no longer cool, attractive, nor fashionable once they breach the 30-year mark is deeply embedded. (Actual quote: “Haven’t you heard? 20 is the new 9!”) However, the worst-fathomable consequence of aging is the inability to obtain a husband (Actual quote: “What I have to offer has a shelf life!”) – which is what the entire movie is about.
  • Sexism – I can’t even begin to describe every disgusting nuance and rude comment, but how about this: one of the Main Character’s friends is smeared, to her face, as a “feminazi” by a southern “gentleman” who claims to “know how to treat a lady” – a lie that the audience is made to believe, since he was offering to push in her chair for her. She later falls in love with him, offering viewers an example of a “happy ending” for a frustrated girl with “daddy issues” who typically falls for married jerk-offs. And, btw, ALL relationship issues that women experience somehow track back to their paternal intimacy.
  • Racism – I was floored to see this issue surface. The expectation of sexism was a no-brainer and the ageism was inevitable… but the racism was a bit of a shock. To begin with, Clarissa’s arch “frenemy” is a woman of color – absolutely gorgeous – and, at first, I didn’t catch on. This chick was fierce. But the running theme of the movie was that Clarissa stole every man she ever had away from her. That bugged me. I thought, Every man? Really? Not even a friendly back-and-forth? I was about to consider myself oversensitive when, suddenly, enter the pool-boy love-interest, Pablo. A lilly-white-girl with super-conservative, upper-class fam falls for gardener/pool-boy/caterer and her true love inspires her to bravely, occasionally, subtly request acceptance of other cultures. Okay… but then Pablo’s friends are all ex-cons – that he met while in prison – and not one of them is white. Adding insult to injury, when Pablo and friends arrive to cater an event, the matriarch of the palace exclaims, “You didn’t mention the house was being robbed!” Ouch.

The plot, in a nutshell, is Clarissa’s manipulation of – and eventual marriage to – an up-and-coming Hollywood star. Her father was a jerk, so she rejects intimacy (Daddy issues for everyone!) Her mother was a homemaker who considered it an honor to iron her cheating husband’s shirts, so she rejects the traditional housewife role. Clarissa is every career woman – in other words, chicks who are just waiting for the moment their life can truly contain meaning. (Meaning is another word for “husband and baby.”) Manipulation and harassment, if it leads to marriage and pregnancy, justify the means. All we women need to hear is that we’re pretty, and we know he’s The One. If we want to score a man, we must demurely accept all displays of chivalry and refrain from displaying any personal strength (Actual quote: “I’d offer to carry something for you, but I wouldn’t want to mess with your empowerment.” – Prince Redneck Charming.)

In closing…

Since all’s well that ends well, each and every single woman – AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM – isn’t single anymore at the “happy” ending. And we know Clarissa is with the right guy when we hear, “I never thought anyone could tame her.” Because, after all, if chick flicks have taught us anything it’s that once you’ve been tamed and impregnated, there’s no where to go but up!

The Insanity.

oh please… liberal feminazis are to BLAME for this poor woman’s fate. she clearly believed in that crap and got indoctrinated that there are no consequences or reactions for her actions. so she kept going into lions’ dens and essentially taunted them. security is not about YOU, its about how others may feel about you. even in the west, walking around as she was in certain areas is not a great way to protect yourself. being that brazen in that culture at that time was hyper-RISKY!

— A comment on MofoPolitics by on Reporter Lara Logan’s rape in Egypt. (MofoPolitics is a conservative site with the tagline, “Your daily dose of hoping Obama fails.”) on February 17, 2011 at 4:33 am

Dame El Poder (Molotov)

La policía te está extorsionando(dinero) pero
ellos viven de lo que tu
estas pagando
y si te tratan como un delincuente(ladrón),
no es tu culpa dale gracias
al regente.
Hay que arrancar el problema de raíz(haja)
y cambiar el gobierno de
nuestro país.
A la gente que está en la burocracia,
a esa gente que le gustan
las migajas.
Yo por eso me quejo y me quejo porque
aquí es donde vivo y yo ya
no soy
pendejo, que no watchas los puestos del
gobierno hay personas que
se están
Gente que vive en la pobreza y nadie
hace nada porque a nadie le

La gente de arriba te detesta y hay más gente que quiere que
caigan sus cabezas.
Si le das más poder al poder, más
duro te van a venir a cojer,
porque fuimos potencia mundial y
somos pobres nos manejan mal.
Dame, dame, dame todo el power para
que te demos en la madre,
give me, give me todo el poder so I
can come around to joder.
Porque no nacimos donde no hay que comer,
no hay porque preguntarnos cómo le vamos a hacer?
Si nos pintan como unos huevones, no lo somos. Viva México
que se sienta el power mexicano que se sienta todos juntos,
como hermanos porque somos más y jalamos más parejo,
porque estar siguiendo a una bola de pendejos?
que nos llevan por donde les conviene
y es nuestro sudor lo que
los mantiene,
los mantiene comiendo el pan caliente
y ese pan es el de nuestra
Dame, dame, dame todo el power para
que te demos en la madre,
give me, give me todo el poder so I
can come around to joder.
Lyrics: Dame el Poder, Molotov [end]

Wow. Super-GAG.

As if it isn’t bad enough that comic-book super-sheroes are just “female versions” of their original male counterparts… here’s one more super-sucky thing to add to the wonder wall.

Click here for: OMG Seriously??